"Melancholia"
The word that we throw around very easily these days. The word we use to describe anything from a bad day to helplessness in our lives, but as anyone with melancholia knows, it's more than any other word can describe.
It slowly takes over a person's life, my life, to the point where I forget how it all began. It's subtle, creeping up and building up over time. Little do I know, unnoticeable things change at first which's leading to bigger changes. After that, as if out of blue, that massive dark cloud is overhead.
Some people might have asked, "What does it feel like?"
Well, it's when everything feels too tough to handle. When I feel so low that things I formerly enjoyed no longer hold the same joy. I even wonder how I ever enjoyed anything at all. I wonder what others have that I can't get a hold of. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. I need to drag myself out every single day. I find it hard to go to bed at night.
The low is so low that it seemed to take over, overwhelming me in a way that I couldn't have imagined beforehand. The effort to do small things is huge, yet the pressure to do anything is even bigger.
People always say I should talk to someone, tell someone, but how could I put words on something that is too hard to even myself can understand? How could I explain to someone that I want to live my life but at the same time I also don't know how I can? How could I explain that this no longer feels like a choice, that it controls me not the other way round?
That's what it feels like.
It begins with a reaction. A reaction to a life that we've never imagined would be ours. A reaction to stress and seeming helplessness to change our situation. It's in-acceptance of how things are or were. It's a lack of self-care and a giving too much of ourselves to others. It's a fit of deep anger and unfairness in life. It's all of these or even much more.
We will never be aware of why it happens. Because of what?
Because of how slowly and silently it creeps upon us.
- Unknown -