This probably sounds dramatic but it's just a truth that needed to be told.
I can say that I've been fighting so hard just to live. Just because it's hard to fight then I decided to surrender and be your friend and I hoped for the best between us.
Dear old friend,
You were always there when I need you the most. You always came to me when I wasn't doing okay, and when I needed someone to talk to. I can feel that you're waiting for me at my front door again now. You're really such a good friend to me that I don't have to call out but you can just read my mind and be here.
I remembered I'd never been once wanted to be connected with you because the things you were telling me were all lies.
I thought that... You were such a lair. You were a thief...
That stole me from a good of mind and told me that this is all my FAULT. You stole the smile of eyes. You drained my energy so that I couldn't get out from bed. You told me that there's no point of trying because I'm not gonna make it, etc.
But everything you'd told me is right!!! You are right from the start...
I admitted them now...
I admitted that I've never been enough. I admitted that I've tried so desperately to fix myself so I can be accepted. I admitted that I didn't give myself enough time to heal. I admitted that I let myself blocking up everyone's wounds while my own is bleeding.
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry that I force myself to laugh so that no one has to worry about me. I'm sorry that there are days when smiling hurts but I have to put on one so it can cover all of my overwhelming emotions. I'm sorry that I give all in, my heart, time and effort, which I know that there's going to be a no return. I'm sorry that there are nights where I feel alone and as if myself doesn't matter and no one even bothers to understand why. And I'm sorry that I don't love ME the way I deserve to be loved.
No one will be able to understand. Not only do they experience once. They will always tell "DON'T THINK. DON'T BE SAD. etc." as if I can just easily shut it down the moment they tell. If I'm able to stop, I won't express them out. Just because it's easy for them, that doesn't mean it's easy for me.
And I've been told that it's all my fault. I hold on to much grudge. I'm being toxic, a drama queen, a psychopath, and more... because I'm trying to tell them.
Keeping them, that's still my fault because they tell me that doing all of those, I'm just kicking people out. They cannot help me if there isn't a single word coming out from my mouth.
Expressing them out or not, people tend to judge. They don't really know and will never know that...
I'm actually trying... :)
- The End -
PS: It's been a while. It's my previous writing, and I just thought of reposting it today. Enjoy!