Before 2024 ends…

Dear Self,

As I sit down to write this, I realize just how much has changed in 2024. It's been a while since I last penned my thoughts, but this year deserves a special reflection.

This year marked the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. Quitting my job was a monumental decision. It wasn't easy, but I chose my well-being and happiness over the comfort of familiarity. That step took immense courage and has been the catalyst for so many positive changes.

Moving to Australia was another bold move. Starting afresh in a new country brought its own set of challenges, but it also opened doors to countless opportunities. The vibrant culture, the new experiences, and the beautiful landscapes have made this journey incredibly enriching. I'm grateful for the chance to rebuild and grow in a place that feels more like home with each passing day.

One constant throughout all this change has been my love for my amazing boyfriend. Despite the upheaval and new beginnings, our bond has remained strong, proving that our love can withstand even the most turbulent times. This year, we took a significant step forward in our relationship, solidifying our commitment to each other. His support has been my anchor, and for that, I'm deeply thankful.

I also want to express my heartfelt gratitude to my parents, siblings, and close friends. Their unwavering support, love, and encouragement have been invaluable throughout this journey. Knowing that they are always there for me has given me the strength to pursue my dreams and embrace change with confidence. 

By the end of this year, I've had the pleasure of meeting so many wonderful people. Moving to a new place has expanded my social circle, introducing me to individuals who have brought positivity, kindness, and joy into my life. These new friendships have been a cherished gift, making this transition smoother and more delightful.

2024 has been a year of significant change and growth. It's been a journey of leaving behind what no longer serves me and embracing the unknown with open arms. I'm proud of the steps I've taken and excited for the adventures that lie ahead.

"here's to more growth, more love, and more incredible moments in the years to come..."

With gratitude,

~ t.da

8th anniversary without you...

January 28, 2024

To all the princesses in the family…

“Grandpa…”

One of the amazing men in the family who loves you unconditionally after your “father”. Grandpa will provide you love, protection, respect, etc. once he knows your existence. Trust me, after your father, Grandpa will be the one who sets your bar high. 

So if you still have one, don’t forget to tell him how much you love him. Not only to your grandpa but to everyone who always has your back when your world is falling apart. 

Why do I say what I said? As a consequence, I wholeheartedly miss mine, my “pop”.

Here is my story…

A few weeks ago, you appeared in my dream. I was about to leave the office and I just jumped in the backseat for no reason. That was when I heard your voice. You came to pick me up and dropped me home. I remember that you wore a light pink shirt. You dressed very clean and classy.

You started your conversation with a very ridiculous question. You asked, “How is everything between you and your boyfriend?” I was shocked because I didn’t know since when you knew about it. “Well, I don’t know. However, I hope everything will be great for me this time.” I replied, and you laughed. 

Then, I proceeded to ask you why were you here, and where had you been. You started to tell me. “I have never gone anywhere. I’ve been at the National Museum of Cambodia clearing my job this whole time. I just couldn’t get the chance to get out and go to you. Now it’s time. I’m free to go. However, before I go, I just want to see you, and make sure that you get home safely. I want to spend time with you before I go. I come to you today to say goodbye.”

I woke up. Every word you said, I remembered them all, loud and clear. “I miss you.” that was all I could say afterward.

The story comes to an end… Yet, I am happy.

Before pop was gone, I heard that he waited for me, and I couldn’t make it to him. A week later, after pop was gone, he visited me in my dream. On the night of 20 February 2021, pop came to check on me again. And, a few weeks ago, in January 2024, I got to see pop for one last time.

Today, 8 years ago, pop was at rest. It’s been 8 years but at least he came to me and bade me goodbye. So, I just wanted him to know that there’s no day that his presence is not in the back of my head. I hope he is at peace, and I wish to be his little girl in my every other life.

8th anniversary without you…

~ t.da

Before 2023 ends...

My life in 2023 was quite chaotic, fun, happy, and sad moments. It was full of raw experiences that I've endured. Work-life hasn't been going really great as well as family journeys. 

Mid 2023 was the worst. It was my downfall. It was also my survival period. I was on a roller coaster relationship journey with a person I had been in love with since 2021. I thought we were going to make it, however, we didn't. It was such a giant trigger to me, and it put me in a major depression which I overlooked until I was sick more than usual. I lost myself to the point where I didn't even want to keep going. All I wanted to do was to give up. 

Then, there was a moment that changed my life. Besides all of my beloved one's support, there was him. The moment I talked to him, the moment I met him, changed me. His existence is still new to me but I'm so grateful to have him near. He's everything I've been looking for.

You know, I've been asking myself "What do I want?" and I've found it, the thing that I want... 

a life with this amazing man... my dearest and wonderful boyfriend... 

He's been so wonderful, very incredible, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can't imagine anything better than him. He saved me, my life... and he's a man that I'm proud to love. 

I'm so thankful that I'm going to end this chapter with him and turn to the new page of the new one also with him. I'm going to let go of what is old, and welcome and embrace what is about to come.

"with you, the new journey of my 2024, of ours, is going to be a hella sad-mad-fun..."

- t.dararith -

I’m grateful for my heartbreak...!!!

We broke up, and all I want to do is thank you.

I'm grateful that you broke up with me even though it was the last thing I expected. Even if on a day before the breakup, you told me you loved me. You gave me no signs and no warnings. Maybe you did, but I might have missed them. If I didn't have trust issues before, I definitely have them now. 

Whatever...

Thank you for breaking up with me even though we felt so unfinished. There were more books for us to read aloud to each other in bed, more nights of drinking wine and talking about the revolution, and more trips for us to go and enjoy. 

Thank you for breaking up with me even when you made me feel like I wasn't enough. Actually, I felt like I was "too much"... too intense, too passionate, too challenging. You used to like the way I said what was on my mind. You liked how honest and upfront I was. I like that about myself as well. However, after you broke up with me, I couldn't help but wonder if the same thing that attracted you to me was the same thing that pushed you away. Then I realized it probably was. I also realized another thing, there's no better sign of incompatibility than one person not truly seeing or wanting the other for who they really are. So, if that's how you feel, I don't want you either. 

Thank you for breaking up with me because after being shocked by your rejection, I survived. I thought of all the times I'd been rejected over the months, and I came to realize that, there will be people who want me, and I have no zero interest in them. I've learned that it's not only about being wanted but it's about being wanted by the right person. And though I wanted you to want me, you proved to me that you were all wrong for me anyway. 

I'm finally free...

The heartbreak didn't cut you enough, but my heart bled enough for the two of us. You never felt it because I couldn't get beneath your skin. Even though I tried and tried, you would never have let me in and that's okay because today I'm forgiving myself for loving you and becoming free body, heart, and soul.

I'm glad that my heart broke...

For in those shattered pieces, I found the strength to rebuild and rediscover myself. The pain and tears ignited and pushed me to rise from the ashes of heartache and embrace the power that lay within the wounded me. I found the kind of healing that's possible for something that has been broken before. With each scar, my heart grew wiser and more compassionate. 

I'm grateful for my heartbreak...

It led me on a journey of self-discovery and growth. It gifted me with resilience and compassion. Now, I stand tall with a heart that has been broken and has been healed, wholeheartedly.

I'm blessed...

- t.da -

BREATHE... it's okay...

Breathe... it's okay... you're going to be okay...

Just breathe... then breathe... and remind yourself of all the times in the past that you've felt this scared. All the times you've felt this anxious and overwhelmed. All the times you've felt this level of pain. Remind yourself of how each time you made it through. 

Because here's the thing...

No one asks to be insecure, to have anxiety, to be depressed and I can guarantee you that no one enjoys it either. Sometimes people experience and get put through things that they should never get put through because so many people in this world take advantage of people that feel a little too much and give too many chances, then leaves them broken and cold. Moreover, when those breaks don't get put back right and it's all left messy then you're not just right either. 

It's a long road to try and put yourself back together again, to glue the pieces back together. However, if someone can't acknowledge that you're trying or uses your weaknesses against you to justify themselves, then you know that it's okay to get tired and walk away. 

Life has thrown so much at you, and despite how difficult things have been, you've survived. Please trust yourself that you can survive this too. Trust this struggle is part of the process, and trust that as long as you don't give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem... you will make it.

- Unknown -

She is tired...

She is tired... She tells you she is okay, and do you believe her? So, let me tell you what's wrong... the exact why she's tired... 

she is tired of trying.  

she is tired of getting hurt.

she is tired of being herself. 

she is tired of being let down.

she is tired of getting her hope up.

she is tired of holding everything in.

she is tired of being treated like shit.

she is tired of being a second choice.

she is tired of caring too little, or not at all.

she is tired of feeling broken, damaged, worthless, never good enough, pain, etc.

She is tired, and you might wonder why I know all of this? because she is me and I'm really tired. 

- Unknown -

Not a mind reader...

I'm a human, not a mind reader...

Don't hold your attitude with me because you haven't clearly expressed yourself to me yet.

If I hurt you, make me aware. If I didn't listen well enough, tell me again in a way I can understand. If I'm insensitive to your needs, desires, or thoughts, tell me so I can consider them.

Just make it clear... so there is no more misunderstanding...

- Unknown -